I like this. It's a tad long (I'd have liked it to end after the father-daughter talk) and the mixing of verb tenses don't always work (it's soooo hard to write in the present), but you've captured teen rage and the way it really is to care for a baby perfectly--tedious and time-consuming with the occasional heart-tugging reward.
I especially like the way you showed the deaths with the hands of the clock falling off--brilliant.
I have to preface this response and if you ever do read it, let me know because I would love to have a discussion with you about it. This is going to sound snooty and I have no idea how to make it not sound that way and it isn\'t what I intend... it just is. Does that make any sense?
I write for myself and this was very emotional for me to write, because it was coming from a lot of RL experiences. I work with teenagers and one in particular is giving me fits. So I wrote from that to get out a lot of my frustration but when I got to a natural conclusion, the discusion with Arthur, I wouldn\'t stop. I needed more happy moments or I would have felt like crap. Since I write for myself (and I never cared about winning the challenge) I kept going until I came to a conclusion that left me feeling good. So yes, it was long, but I felt great so... yeah :-) Snooty-ness #1
Please also understand that I do love critism and any way to make my stories better... I don\'t often get them so when I do I take them really into consideration... that being said, I write in first person, present tense for Ginny every day for an RPG (see my profile). I have been doing so for about 8 months now and I am very accomplished at it. Actually, I can\'t seem to write in past tense anymore. I have to practise it before I attempt anything. When I read past tense stuff it seems odd and I\'m thinking that might be what is going on for you. I was very intensional with every tense switch. I went through the whole thing with a friend who is an English teacher and explained everything, or corrected things that I made mistakes on. I hope that makes sense and doesn\'t sound witchy or anything :-/ It is very possible that we both missed things and that there are mistakes! No on is perfect afterall. If it does sound witchy then I am truly sorry and just know that it isn\'t my intention but I did think about what you said a lot! And again, if I\'m missing something I want to talk to you about it. Email me or get ahold of me through a messanger any time. :-)
The baby care stuff comes a lot from being a full time mom and some of those emotions come out that way, although I don\'t lose my patience like I had Ginny do. I am not 16 after all ;-) The clock bit I had as something else and my beta said, "That sucks, redo it" so I came up with them falling off which just made more sense and more of an impact. I am glad you liked that part.
So really... I do want to discuss this with you and thank you for putting thought into your review!! I really appreciate that!
Chapter 1: Chapter 1