I'll try not to stray too heavily into beta-mode while writing this review, but let me first say that you had some extreme exclamation point abuse in the first half of this story... they should be used sparingly. ;)
That said, this was really interesting and very well developed. There were times this could have used a few more lines here and there for flow and setting changes, but all in all you told your story very well. I'm glad you chose to do this as a oneshot and not a chaptered affair... it felt very natural like this, with the exception of the very beginning which felt apart from the rest of the story.
You did a fantastic job of conveying the emotions throughout the story, especially in the second half. Good writing, just needed some polish.
You really are getting so much better! You were right, this is one of the best things you've written.
Chapter 1: Chapter 1