Real name: Christine
Member Since: 01/02/07
Membership status: Member
Dad left Mom. Mom was fine. Mom met Paul. Mom married Paul. I was fine. I met Kimberley.
...Stepsisters aren't all that bad, you know.
"Very funny line, but if Trevor came along when she was only one, she wouldn't be able to make conclusions like that."
Ugh, I know. I had a hard time with that, but what I wanted to convey is that she realized this later, by the time her brain actually worked properly, yet still young, but I couldn't figure out how to put it. I'll probably work on changing that, though, now that you pointed it out.
And about the prudeness, I know : P. This assignment was really limited on length, so I couldn't go into further explanation on anything (part of the reason I want to extend it). The prudeness is because she really is a prude--she never gets in trouble at school, she always follows home rules (with the exception of sneaking food from a stash : P), she's not rebellious in the least, and she has enough conscience and possible guilt for every careless person in the world. I'd really like to go further into that in more chapters, though.
Anyway, thank you SOO much for being the first review, and for reviewing at all! It makes me feel so good that someone read it, especially after planning just to "skim the first paragraph"! Thank you for all your lovely compliments--I really appreciate it!
Nice work! The opening paragraph is great. The description is done simply and starkly, which helps paint the picture of cold and stillness. I thought the second paragraph was a bit choppy, though. The sentences all got to be about the same length and the same format. I think if you mixed that up a bit, maybe combined two sentences into one, that would help.
I liked the way the story showed mostly her fear, and not much of the consequences. (i.e. we never see her mother, and it cuts off at Colin's attack.) I think that's an effective way to tell the story since it increases suspense. The one part that I thought needed work there was the way she realized Colin was deceiving her. It all happened very suddenly; I think it would be more suspenseful to draw that out. Have her be wary and suspect him while he's still acting nicely, so the reader will wonder if he's good or not. As it is, we have no time to wonder.
As for mechanics, I saw just one mistake: "A painful snap echoed abnormally loud" should be "A painful snap echoed abnormally loudly." And this isn't a mistake, but I think that putting "Crazy Dorothy Thomas's daughter, etc" in italics would be a clearer way to show what the townspeople have been saying. Also, I think an exclamation mark after "what a scandal" would be appropriate. I like that whole part, since what we've learned about those times is that everyone was gossipy and suspicious of their neighbors. It adds to the feeling of unwelcome in the town.
This story is so moving; it's the kind that affects you even after it's over. He father is such an evil character, but unfortunately realistic. You really believe that his "religious" fervor will drive him to violence against his own daughter. I’d known him forever, and he was a God-fearing man. He had been in church that very morning. Usually, people are good for all of Sunday. - Best line. (I like religious cynicism.) :) The ending was great, too. I was wondering why he was being so calm and unreactive, and I have to admit I thought it was just to make the story more interesting, but then the last line was both a surprise and made perfect sense.
I picked up on one typo: "I smelled his breathe" should be "I smelled his breath." And the POV switch Oracle mentioned: '“Would I ruin your perfect, sunny day?” I answered.'
Now please, go out and write more! Your public demands it!
I am amazed at how wonderful this was. It was very moving, very powerful. The combination of second person voice, heartfelt and emotional writing, and the highly effective asides in italics all worked together to paint a very intimate portrait of the protagonist. It all just worked so well; I can't think of anything to criticize about your style.
I did find a couple of grammar mistakes, and I hate to bring them up at all because you write so well in a second language, but here they are: "heads and tails" should be "heads or tails," "makes you steal yourself" should be "makes you steel yourself," "a, impeccable red line" should be "an impeccable red line," "No sounds has announced" should be "No sounds have announced," and "Everything that is you surge towards him" should be "Everything that is you surges towards him.
I think what makes this story so successful is the way you make the struggles of belief and homosexuality so easy to relate to. Everything is so believable, her joys and sorrows and fears... Great job; I look forward to reading more!
I am so happy that you would take your time to leave me such a detailed review. I'm so honoured that you liked this piece of fiction so much.
Second person PoV is one of my most favoured voices. When I come to think about it, most of my original work is written in second person PoV and I've never even wondered why.
Thank you once again, the grammar mistakes shall be corrected.
Wow, that was fantastic! Her fear and her peace in the beginning were both described wonderfully, and the glimpses of the torture awaiting her made me cringe. You have a way of making your characters' emotions very relatable. I saw just one typo... " I am Herne and Lugh There's an extra space after the quote. (Out of curiosity, who were those names?) This story is so well-done; I just loved it. Great job!
In defiance of Emperor Marcus Aurelius Claudius II's explicit order, young bishop Valentinius continues to perform marriage ceremonies for young Christians in Rome. Will these young couples live to enjoy their troth, and will Valentinius find a love of his own before his life is ended?
This was beautiful, both tragic and hopeful. The ending was especially poignant, knowing that Gaius was going to his probable death, and then that Valentine was doomed as well. And your writing is just... flawless. The language is lovely and it flows effortlessly. The arguments against Claudius's edict were well-presented, too. Sometimes when an author wants to write an argument against an idea, it comes out school-essayish, but this flowed well with the narrative. I have just two small concrits. Like most other Christian churches of the time The "of the time" part took me out of the story briefly, making me remember that I'm in their future. I think just "Like most Christian churches" would suffice, and the reader would infer that it's referring to that time. Also, (this is the first time I get to use my one semester of college Latin!), his name would be Valentinius when speaking about him and Valentini when speaking directly to him, like Brutus and "Et tu, Brute?" but with an i. (But if you don't want to get that pedantic, I would recommend just using either Valentine or Valentinius.) But those are minor points. All in all, this was a beautiful story, which I'm sure would have won if you'd been eligible for the challenge!