Real name: Lex
Member Since: 13/01/07
Membership status: Member
“So, this is life. This is what it is to live,” she had smiled.
What is life? Is it merely a state in time to which we interact with others, in which we're influenced by others -- or is it meaningless? is every step or action we take nothing in the great scheme of things?
Time patters on, and waits for no one. As humans, we must push to defy the logical boundaries of death.
If we wish to live life.
Oh, thanks for the note of the colours! I love contrasting and symbolism.
The colours were originally meant for the person initially reading it to interpret, so the colour-change or shift in eye colour occasionally was on purpose.
Thanks for the review!
I LOVED this story! It's so innocent and sweet. Honestly, I would believe you have a little girl of your own with this writing. The wording was chosen carefully to be sure it sounded like it was coming from a young mind, and I think it really brought the reader in. I remembered the days when I would play all day, and things like coloring in the lines mattered to me.
I just think this story is brilliant. Thanks for it!
To start off with a quick criticism, I thought the ending was very abrupt, and could have gone with a longer explanation. I felt a little cut-off when reading it.
That aside, the characters were portrayed very realistically, and actually, I hate Olivia. I think she's a horrible, selfish woman who obviously didn't invest any of herself into this relationship. I suppose the fact that I hate her means you've done your job as an author.
Poor man. :(
In defiance of Emperor Marcus Aurelius Claudius II's explicit order, young bishop Valentinius continues to perform marriage ceremonies for young Christians in Rome. Will these young couples live to enjoy their troth, and will Valentinius find a love of his own before his life is ended?
Have I said yet how wonderful this fiction is? Here I go again:
First, I can tell you put effort into this piece. I, contrarily, pull stories out of my butt too often. I appreciate the history, and really, you touch a spot of my heart with including history at all.
I loved the subtle reminders of context, about Christian 'churches', about the emporer. The dress and the ceremony itself was all researched and felt very real. (I watch the History channel a lot, and truthfully, I saw a movie of this in my mind's eye).
I would say, as a critique, that you could have gone further with this story. It was very nicely packed up, but I think you could have infused more fiction into the fiction. If that makes sense? Perhaps it's the drama I like, but I wouldn't have minded seeing Val's bastard child. >.>
If you could win the challenge, I'd vote for you. >.>
A pregnant woman, tainted before her own birth, finds that her baby will become the Devil's child and result in the end of days. Now she must deal with the discovery and figure out if she should kill her baby or let him live and bring about the end of the world.
Here is my long review for your first chapter. I’ll get right down to business.
“The soft cream coloured walls, painted to comfort the restless, did nothing to ease his agitation.” While in popular fiction, commas are often ignored, I feel that they are necessary. I would put a comma between soft and cream.
“…picture of a beautiful red haired woman…” Red-haired should be hyphenated.
“He reached out one smooth finger to caress the paper cheek as if he could feel the actual flesh under the sensitive pads of his fingertip. Leyan. He began pacing again.” I really love the picture this created. We all have caressed a photo for the memories, so I think any reader is put in a sympathetic position with this one gesture.
“Now, three years later, they found themselves married, living in a farmhouse that Lucien had inherited from his father, and Lucien found himself shoved into the hallway as his daughter was born.” A peeve of mine is the repetitive use of names. I would change the second instance of Lucien to ‘the former’, or something similar.
“Nope, she wanted a midwife and an old-fashioned birth.” I think it’s ironic that people with such modern names could be old-fashioned in any way.‘“You forgot one thing, my love,” he whispered, his voice menacing and deadly. Margaret’s eyes widened in terror, “I own your soul!”
A faint snapping noise was the only thing that she heard and a brief flare of pain in her neck before she crumpled to the floor, the room suddenly ceasing to exist.’ I think this action came a little too quickly, and its reason wasn’t well formed. There needed to be some sort of lead-up. Something needed to be seen in his movement or in his facial expression. That could take away the ‘huh?’ factor.
“He didn’t know how long he sat their…” ‘Their’ should be ‘there.’.
“Or thought her had seen.” ‘Her’ should be ‘he’.
“Congratulations,” she said, smiling slightly, “It’s a beautiful baby girl.” There should be a period after ‘slightly’.This was a great beginning chapter. I would be careful of the common horror film lines, to make sure it doesn’t sound too hokey. You’ve got a great vocabulary, and a calm, flowing storytelling ability. I look forward to reading the next chapter!
“Raven Gray weaved her way through the crowd of tangled bodies, their forms twisting and gyrating against each other in an ancient, erotic mating dance. The air was heavy with the scent of sweat and cheap perfume that a lot of the women wore to mask their baser scent.” What a graphic description! I was actually confused for a bit there, sure that Raven was literally in the middle of an orgy, until I realized it was a dance club…nearly the same thing. That was great.
“His hair was ebony waves the fell to the nape of his neck…” ‘The’ should be ‘that’.
“I am sorry, Damien, but unfortunately I have previous engagements tonight,” Christina said quietly. She acted like she was regretting it, and Raven thought maybe she did but she turned to look at Raven again, a small smile playing about her lips. She looked completely surprised to see her there and looked between the two of them meaningfully, “Maybe you two should hook up instead.” Oh my god, what kind of club and subculture is this? Sharing hook up options with friends is a rare incidence among girlfriends, it goes against their territorial natures. Wow.
“The eyes that her father had once said he saw. She backed up a little, fear coiling in her stomach as she remembered the horrific hallucinations her father had told her about when she had been born.” I love this line because it illustrates a relationship between father and daughter that we don’t know all about. It’s a subtle cue to the reader that there is a lot more going on behind scenes, and makes me curious to see more of their relationship.
“He turned her around to look at him and suddenly he wasn’t the beautiful man he was before. His features were still the same but there was a hardness in them, a steely determination. He emanated pure hate.” I like this description of his eyes more than the other in the beginning, because I think it’s more relatable than that one. We understand a look of pure hatred, and it is nearly always very frightening.
“God had his virgin and now I have had mine.” This is my favorite line in the whole piece.
The only real quibble I have is with the blood on her bed. Unless she merely hallucinated the club scene, the blood wouldn’t be on her bed. It comes at the taking of the virginity, and unless I read incorrectly, that happened in the club.
In total, it was a pretty good chapter as far as rape scenes go. I thought it was as tastefully done as possible, given the circumstances, and we were spared particularly gratuitous gore.You are a writer that is able to keep the reader’s attention, and in my opinion, with just the right amount of detail. Congrats!
“Raven choked back the bile that rose in her throat as she stared with wide eyed terror…” Wide-eyed should be hyphenated.
“…convoluted stain glass windows.” It should be written as ‘stained glass’. Incidentally, the description of the church is so real. I could easily see myself there, my eyes following that same pattern. Your writing rhythm is becoming much clearer and more comfortable sounding now. I love the surprising words you use.
“Raven backed away, a scream tearing itself out of her throat. She looked up to the murals on the ceiling to find that the demons had now overcome the angels and were spearing them through the hearts or disembowelling them. The beautiful dove was now grotesquely malformed into a hideous raven.” I love how you tied this to her father’s hallucinations in the last chapter. I did notice that some of your words are British spelling, but I know that my English dictionary isn’t agreeing with them, so if it’s worth it to you, I’d check that out.
I found it really interesting that her gut reaction to an albino was attraction. Most people tend to recoil when surprised with such a sight. I’m also having flashbacks to The DaVinci Code.
I spotted a few more errors with missing commas, but it’s nothing a good grammar beta couldn’t sort out. Keep a close eye on dialogue punctuation.
It’s panning out to be a really good story. There are really only minute corrections to make.
Again thank you for your wonderful reviews... I am not quite sure what you meant by the British spelling but I shall enlighten myself by looking it over... And I actually met an albino once who was absolutely gorgeous so... I used him as my kind of inspiration
Written for the Sci-Fi prompt of the May Challenge.
The tale of a boy who slowly finds himself alone.
Your opening paragraph did a really great job of setting the picture of a dreary world, overcome by somewhat mutant qualities. It sort of reminds me of the movie Water World, and the adaptation of humans to their new environments.
“Great towers of toughened steel rose ever higher into the once vacant sky; metallic platforms hung between them like great spider’s webs, with plenty of trapped flies.” I really love the way you choose to describe scenery. It’s simplistic and clear, which I think makes for really vivid imagery.
Your nicknames for the divided human race were natural. I also love how you illustrate class differences and quite literally make the poorer class dirty. There’s just the slightest hint of bitterness in there, though I’m not sure if I merely perceived that or if it was intended. I also like how true-to-nature you’ve written the evolution of the form of histories. I’ve actually been thinking about what humans would do if their world was to severely change in a short period of time. I also believe they would simply stop physically recording events, and move to song and storytelling.
This was such a miserable, dismal place, but I couldn’t help but feel an unexplainable thrill. Maybe it is that this short story is set in a place that could easily hold many more stories. In fact, this particular story could go on. It feels almost like a prologue as it leaves off at the grandmother’s death.
You’re such a wonderful storyteller, and I hope to read many more stories by you on TRC.