“Raven Gray weaved her way through the crowd of tangled bodies, their forms twisting and gyrating against each other in an ancient, erotic mating dance. The air was heavy with the scent of sweat and cheap perfume that a lot of the women wore to mask their baser scent.” What a graphic description! I was actually confused for a bit there, sure that Raven was literally in the middle of an orgy, until I realized it was a dance club…nearly the same thing. That was great.
“His hair was ebony waves the fell to the nape of his neck…” ‘The’ should be ‘that’.
“I am sorry, Damien, but unfortunately I have previous engagements tonight,” Christina said quietly. She acted like she was regretting it, and Raven thought maybe she did but she turned to look at Raven again, a small smile playing about her lips. She looked completely surprised to see her there and looked between the two of them meaningfully, “Maybe you two should hook up instead.” Oh my god, what kind of club and subculture is this? Sharing hook up options with friends is a rare incidence among girlfriends, it goes against their territorial natures. Wow.
“The eyes that her father had once said he saw. She backed up a little, fear coiling in her stomach as she remembered the horrific hallucinations her father had told her about when she had been born.” I love this line because it illustrates a relationship between father and daughter that we don’t know all about. It’s a subtle cue to the reader that there is a lot more going on behind scenes, and makes me curious to see more of their relationship.
“He turned her around to look at him and suddenly he wasn’t the beautiful man he was before. His features were still the same but there was a hardness in them, a steely determination. He emanated pure hate.” I like this description of his eyes more than the other in the beginning, because I think it’s more relatable than that one. We understand a look of pure hatred, and it is nearly always very frightening.
“God had his virgin and now I have had mine.” This is my favorite line in the whole piece.
The only real quibble I have is with the blood on her bed. Unless she merely hallucinated the club scene, the blood wouldn’t be on her bed. It comes at the taking of the virginity, and unless I read incorrectly, that happened in the club.
In total, it was a pretty good chapter as far as rape scenes go. I thought it was as tastefully done as possible, given the circumstances, and we were spared particularly gratuitous gore. You are a writer that is able to keep the reader’s attention, and in my opinion, with just the right amount of detail. Congrats!
Author's Response: Thank you very much... The line that you were talking about is also my favourite... This chapter was the best in my opinion and my only regret is that the chapters after this one aren't as good
Chapter 2: The Virgin's Blood