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Reviewer: thecrimsonwhisperer (Signed)
16/10/07 - 04:56 pm

I don't think an epilogue is nessecary...in fact I would disreccomend it...there is nothing else you need to add to this story.

It's tragic, it's horrific...obviously a sublime entry to the challenge.

I don't think you could have written the ending any other way and have been successful. You just can't carry Satan's child and be okay with that, at the same time if she had just had the abortion...where's the conflict?

Great story, just as I suspected, I'm sorry it took me so long to get around to it.



Author's Response:

No problem

I am happy you read it at all. I tried writing an epilogue for it though and failed miserably. so I said forget it.

Anyways, thank you so much for reviewing. And if you want, I am now writing the story for Christina, if you want to read it.




Chapter 5
Reviewer: thecrimsonwhisperer (Signed)
15/10/07 - 10:57 pm

How awful...I have no idea what I'd do...I'd probably curl up in a ball and die of despair. Not even the priest would listen, but in his defense, look how crazy her story sounds. At least her dad will listen, and I think he will believe her. But what to do? Such a good story idea...looking forward to the next chapter.




Forsaken
Reviewer: thecrimsonwhisperer (Signed)
15/10/07 - 10:48 pm

I don't blame you...what an awful thing to write, you did it as good as I would be able to...so I don't think I have any advice to offer.

I like the way you wrote your Devil..he is very very real in a frightening way. And what he said after he had finished was icky...damn Satan. But good writing him.

Thats all for now...next chapter.




Chapter 2: The Virgin's Blood
Reviewer: thecrimsonwhisperer (Signed)
15/10/07 - 10:42 pm

Great so far, I've been putting off reading this for so long...and I'm about to zip to the next chapter I just wanted to point out a small typo at the end...

Instead of: ...Or thought her had seen

Or thought "he" had seen.

See you at the next chapter.




The Beginning
Reviewer: Rynn (Signed)
05/08/07 - 11:15 pm

That was...a bit disturbing, frankly.  Not to say I didn't like it - so please don't take offense! It's actually quite an interesting story, really.  It had me hooked from the first chapter.  In the second chapter, you mentioned you being uncomfortable with the use of the c-word, but I think sometimes it is necessary to use certain words and descriptions.  I know when I pictured that old woman cursing like that it increased my terror of her.  You had that scene written well. 

Father Michael...let me just say I immedietely thought of Silas from The Da Vinci Code.  Anyway, he seemed a bit odd to me from the start, but attempting to murder Raven's child...and having sex with Christina.  I don't know how that man got to be a priest.

This last chapter...Raven has gone mad, hasn't she? The necrophilia just didn't seem to suit her personality unless she had gotten extremely sick in the head.  And then murdering her father for her baby...wow, I would like an epilouge though.  I feel like I need more closure, although it is fine the way it is, I just always like to see how things end, ya know.  Great story, although it certainly scared me a bit.



Author's Response:

Thank you very much for the review. Silas was a bit of an inspiration for that character on top of an albino friend of mine.

He is very twisted but believed he was doing everything in the name of God. I was hoping to write another story for Christina.

 And last but not least, yes, Raven had become very sick. Thanks again for reading

-Lady M




Chapter 5
Reviewer: Naga (Signed)
17/06/07 - 07:54 pm

“Raven choked back the bile that rose in her throat as she stared with wide eyed terror…”  Wide-eyed should be hyphenated.

 

“…convoluted stain glass windows.”  It should be written as ‘stained glass’.  Incidentally, the description of the church is so real.  I could easily see myself there, my eyes following that same pattern.  Your writing rhythm is becoming much clearer and more comfortable sounding now.  I love the surprising words you use.

 

“Raven backed away, a scream tearing itself out of her throat. She looked up to the murals on the ceiling to find that the demons had now overcome the angels and were spearing them through the hearts or disembowelling them. The beautiful dove was now grotesquely malformed into a hideous raven.”  I love how you tied this to her father’s hallucinations in the last chapter.  I did notice that some of your words are British spelling, but I know that my English dictionary isn’t agreeing with them, so if it’s worth it to you, I’d check that out.

 

I found it really interesting that her gut reaction to an albino was attraction.  Most people tend to recoil when surprised with such a sight.  I’m also having flashbacks to The DaVinci Code.

 

I spotted a few more errors with missing commas, but it’s nothing a good grammar beta couldn’t sort out.  Keep a close eye on dialogue punctuation.

 

It’s panning out to be a really good story.  There are really only minute corrections to make.



Author's Response:

Again thank you for your wonderful reviews... I am not quite sure what you meant by the British spelling but I shall enlighten myself by looking it over... And I actually met an albino once who was absolutely gorgeous so... I used him as my kind of inspiration

 




Forsaken
Reviewer: Naga (Signed)
17/06/07 - 07:33 pm

“Raven Gray weaved her way through the crowd of tangled bodies, their forms twisting and gyrating against each other in an ancient, erotic mating dance. The air was heavy with the scent of sweat and cheap perfume that a lot of the women wore to mask their baser scent.”  What a graphic description!  I was actually confused for a bit there, sure that Raven was literally in the middle of an orgy, until I realized it was a dance club…nearly the same thing.  That was great.

 

“His hair was ebony waves the fell to the nape of his neck…”  ‘The’ should be ‘that’.

  

“I am sorry, Damien, but unfortunately I have previous engagements tonight,” Christina said quietly. She acted like she was regretting it, and Raven thought maybe she did but she turned to look at Raven again, a small smile playing about her lips. She looked completely surprised to see her there and looked between the two of them meaningfully, “Maybe you two should hook up instead.”  Oh my god, what kind of club and subculture is this?  Sharing hook up options with friends is a rare incidence among girlfriends, it goes against their territorial natures.  Wow.

 

“The eyes that her father had once said he saw. She backed up a little, fear coiling in her stomach as she remembered the horrific hallucinations her father had told her about when she had been born.”  I love this line because it illustrates a relationship between father and daughter that we don’t know all about.  It’s a subtle cue to the reader that there is a lot more going on behind scenes, and makes me curious to see more of their relationship.

 

“He turned her around to look at him and suddenly he wasn’t the beautiful man he was before. His features were still the same but there was a hardness in them, a steely determination. He emanated pure hate.”  I like this description of his eyes more than the other in the beginning, because I think it’s more relatable than that one.  We understand a look of pure hatred, and it is nearly always very frightening. 

 

“God had his virgin and now I have had mine.”  This is my favorite line in the whole piece.

 

The only real quibble I have is with the blood on her bed.  Unless she merely hallucinated the club scene, the blood wouldn’t be on her bed.  It comes at the taking of the virginity, and unless I read incorrectly, that happened in the club.

 

In total, it was a pretty good chapter as far as rape scenes go.  I thought it was as tastefully done as possible, given the circumstances, and we were spared particularly gratuitous gore.

 You are a writer that is able to keep the reader’s attention, and in my opinion, with just the right amount of detail.  Congrats! 

Author's Response: Thank you very much... The line that you were talking about is also my favourite... This chapter was the best in my opinion and my only regret is that the chapters after this one aren't as good



Chapter 2: The Virgin's Blood
Reviewer: Naga (Signed)
17/06/07 - 07:12 pm

Here is my long review for your first chapter.  I’ll get right down to business.

 

“The soft cream coloured walls, painted to comfort the restless, did nothing to ease his agitation.”  While in popular fiction, commas are often ignored, I feel that they are necessary.  I would put a comma between soft and cream.

 

“…picture of a beautiful red haired woman…”  Red-haired should be hyphenated.

 

“He reached out one smooth finger to caress the paper cheek as if he could feel the actual flesh under the sensitive pads of his fingertip. Leyan. He began pacing again.”  I really love the picture this created.  We all have caressed a photo for the memories, so I think any reader is put in a sympathetic position with this one gesture. 

 

“Now, three years later, they found themselves married, living in a farmhouse that Lucien had inherited from his father, and Lucien found himself shoved into the hallway as his daughter was born.”  A peeve of mine is the repetitive use of names.  I would change the second instance of Lucien to ‘the former’, or something similar.

 

“Nope, she wanted a midwife and an old-fashioned birth.”  I think it’s ironic that people with such modern names could be old-fashioned in any way.

 ‘“You forgot one thing, my love,” he whispered, his voice menacing and deadly. Margaret’s eyes widened in terror, “I own your soul!”

  A faint snapping noise was the only thing that she heard and a brief flare of pain in her neck before she crumpled to the floor, the room suddenly ceasing to exist.’  I think this action came a little too quickly, and its reason wasn’t well formed.  There needed to be some sort of lead-up.  Something needed to be seen in his movement or in his facial expression.  That could take away the ‘huh?’ factor.

 

“He didn’t know how long he sat their…”  ‘Their’ should be ‘there.’.

 

“Or thought her had seen.”  ‘Her’ should be ‘he’.

 

“Congratulations,” she said, smiling slightly, “It’s a beautiful baby girl.”   There should be a period after ‘slightly’.

 This was a great beginning chapter.  I would be careful of the common horror film lines, to make sure it doesn’t sound too hokey.  You’ve got a great vocabulary, and a calm, flowing storytelling ability.  I look forward to reading the next chapter! 

Author's Response: Thank you so much for this review. I always appreciate constructive criticism. I realized after I posted it that there were alot of mistakes but the edit button wouldn't work for me and I was too lazy to fix it... I suppose I should do that. Anyway, like I said, I really appreciate the constructive criticism



The Beginning
Reviewer: Oracle (Anonymous)
28/03/07 - 11:13 pm

I admire your courage in writing what must have been a difficult chapter to write.  That's one of the reasons that it is so hard to write realistic demons, I think...they embody everything we find repugnant, but there has to be more to it that that...

Hmmm...thinks...

Okay.  You did a great job on this chapter and I can't wait to see more of this story!     



Author's Response:

I really appreciate your positive review for this one. I realized that the content was a bit sketchy and so I was really worried about posting it but I am glad that you enjoyed it.

Thanks for your review




Chapter 2: The Virgin's Blood
Reviewer: Oracle (Anonymous)
28/03/07 - 11:11 pm
That midwife, frankly, gives me the creeps.  I'm really excited about this contest entry and can't wait to see where you take it!


Author's Response:

Thanks Oracle. That was the idea of the midwife and if you look carefully in the second installment, she is the demon who loses her speech




The Beginning
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