Interesting plot... good job!
Chapter 10: Spy
Okay, intriguing. I'm no fan of female OC's being introduced... it generally means the author is either making a rather blatant attempt to insert themselves into the story, or it effects changes on the canon characters that makes them barely recognizable. I must admit that after reading the first chapter of this, I almost didn't open the second. Now, I think that I'm rather glad that I did.
Draco isn't, and never will be, redeemable, but I think that you've handled his suggestion of a ceasefire with Harry in a believable way. You've done it without changing his abrasive, snide manner, something that other fanfic authors who attempt to show Draco in a different light have failed dismally at, turning him into a caricature of the canon character and expecting the reader to take him seriously.
So far, I'm very interested in where you plan on taking this. Your writing style is interesting. I noticed a few issues, such as "He never forgave Dumbledore and really wanted nothing more to do with the old man" would have been better as "He had never forgiven Dumbledore and really wanted nothing more to do with the old man", but minor things.
Your descriptions are good, if a little meaningless at times. What was the point of telling us that the quartet's looks had changed, that they had physically matured? You didn't show that it was important to the story line by saying that "it drew attention", or "after seeing Hermione's new look, Ron was acting even stranger than usual". Always have a purpose for what you include in the story, or it is gratuitous and unnecessary. Anything that is included that is unnecessary to the plotline or doesn't help the reader envision what you are describing to them is filler, and any editor editing a manuscript for publication will ALWAYS use their red pen on stuff like that.
If you're trying to get across something that YOU can envision then lead, don't push, your reader into seeing it for themselves. For instance, tell the reader that "Hermione huffed impatiently as the warm breeze blew her newly straightened hair across her eyes" -- that tells the reader something that will allow them to feel like they're there. They now know, without even realizing it, that the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, and they can almost imagine the look on Hermione's face. It sets a mood. Instead of stating, without reason, that Ginny's hair is now quite long (down to her butt) and Harry has grown several inches, combine the two... "Ginny turned quickly, her long braid, which normally hung down as far as her backside, flipped up, hitting Harry in the chest. Fortunately, Harry had grown several inches since the previous year, or it surely would have taken out an eye."
I'm not trying to write your story for you -- really. I hate that, myself. I'm just trying to provide some constructive criticism. I'm off to read the next chapter and see where you're taking us with this.
The Assante Sisters
Reviewer: bigD (Anonymous)
08/10/2005 10:53 pm
ok, i'm intrigued. lets see where this is going.please update.
The Assante Sisters