This chapter wasn't as strong. Still, I can tell by your writing that you have potential, so I'll keep my eye out for updates.
An intersting chapter, good until the end (in my opinion).
Be careful not to fall into writing the same book JKR already has (your commentator, for example, could be original but instead you just copied Lee). Your writing is good - could use some grammatical polish, but it's good - so just have faith in your writing ability and expand a little to make these characters memorable.
Very nice, I enjoyed this as well and I'm very interested to see what will happen next. Please disregard my note about the italics in my last review as you seem to have that worked out in this chapter.
Just read your first chapter. While I don't normally read Marauder era fics, I decided to make an exception. What do you know, I found this very enjoyable. Very nice use of a cliffhanger by the way.
Just a couple of minor things that I noticed. You might want to rethink the use of (with an explanation in it). If you need to get some information across to the reader, explain it through your narrative.
Also, you might want to find another way to indicate a character's internal monologue. Using quotes around both spoken and thought confused me a few times, and I had to reread several passages to figure out what was happening. I find that italics work well for this. Here is an example.
"My bathroom," Greg said as he pointed down the hall, "is around the corner, Stacy." Please tell me I flushed the toilet, Greg thought as Stacy headed to his bathroom.
Like I said earlier, you have a very good start here, and its a very enjoyable read. Well, I'm off to read your next chapter now.
Thanks for sharing this with us and keep writing..