The only bit of criticism that I would give here is too much dialogue gets very monotonous. Just work on writing on what is happening in the surrounding area as well for example 'Carie and Natalie walked around to a secluded place of the house still eating the ice-cream. The day was hot and ice-cream was just right. Carie looked with a half worried/half amused expression at Natalie while she was eating the ice-cream and said, "where's the mister?"
Something like that would give more flow, but then it's only me!
I loved the chapter otherwise. A very good job
|thanks for the idea, i'll consider it! and thanks for reading my story|
LOL! This is so random and funny! A good job *goes to chapter 2*
|thank you! you know whats funny about that, is my sister is the random one, not me, but thanks for reading my story, i hope you like it!|