Its been sooo long since you last upsated...I am eagerly waiting for your next few chapters.
Reviewer: harryslittleangel63 (Anonymous)
09/25/2005 12:32 am
i love this story
Very well written. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
I really can't wait to find out what will happen at Dudley's party.
Dudley in Charge
wonderful start. Can't wait to see what happenes next.
Off to read the next chapter.
Another excellent chapter. It was very telling how Ginny described herself as knowing Harry because, "he's friends with my brothers." I know that she won't be saying that for long (lol)! You are building tension between Harry and Ginny well. The chess game between Ron and Hermione was also very good and the twins are perfect in their alternating cheeky cockiness and protective attitude toward Ginny. You really have a way with words!
Friends and More
*claps hands furiously* Well done! Way to go Ginny and Hermione (nice feminism - girl power there). I don't think I've ever read such an in-cannon exchange like that complete with Ron's back-peddling, Harry's indignance, Ginny's anger, and Hermione's huffiness. It was brilliant how you managed to have Ron in trouble, then Harry, then Ron again. The entire conversation was seemless and not at all stilted. I laughed when Ron turned to 'escape' down the hall. Go Ron. Great job once again.
The Wrath of Girls
This is great - one of your best chapters yet! I found myself smiling at H's insecurities involving Cho and kissing while watching the *hehem* movie - how typical! I thought you did an excellent job at portraying the twins/Ron's reaction when they found out Harry supposedly went to St. Brutus's. Also, small details like Ron watching the telly for the first time and the twins oogling the other twins were priceless. The addition of the new Muggle girls certainly makes for an interesting situation (I wasn't expecting that)...somehow I imagine a version of 'spin the bottle' materializing in the future. I usually read more angsty fics, but you write so well that I'm really enjoying this.
Author's Response: Well, Billie... just wait. The anst is coming along with my version of spin the bottle. *wink* Thanks for the compliment. Stick with this and we'll see a much bigger story emerge from these minor roots. The sequel, Shadow of the Serpent, is full of angst. I'll go fix up chapter seven to post now....
Dudley's Idea of Fun
That was a fast update *chuckles*. I think you have Ron's character down perfectly and I found his internal rambling about Hermione and the twins' jibes very entertaining and very convincing. The alternating point of view for each of your chapters makes for a nice read and I like how you are snapping pieces of the story together for us chapter by chapter like a puzzle. You really have me curious about this party game that the Gred/Forge are itching to test. I can't wait for that! One thing that I may humbly suggest even though you did say you weren't going to be revamping this story again...I would move chapter 3 (the chapter where R/F/G arrive at the Dursleys) so it follows your current chapter 5. The structure of your story, as it appears now, does work. For example, jumping back in time to the morning with Hr/G waking up allows us to get important backstory about the girls and having Hr receive R's letter before we actaully 'see' him send it in the next chapter increases the tension at the end of chapter 4. However, it is slightly surprising to now be reading about F/G/R leaving for the Dursley's after they've already arrived. I'm all for non-linear stories, but, in this case, because the Weasley's have already revealed to the reader how they knew H was 'in trouble' back in chapter 3, to hear it again is sort of an afterthought and dimishes the importance of Tonks's visit to the Weasleys (besides setting up Ron's characterization and introducing the twins - which can be done anytime - is this not the purpose of chapter 5?). I think 'flashbacks' are best utilized when there is a burning curiosity to learn about HOW events transpired. Learning about how the Weasley boys found out about Harry's predicament does not inspire such a desire for me, at least. I hope you do not take my comments as negative criticism - I am truly enjoying your story and find that detailed feedback has helped me immensely to improve my writing and story structuring.
Great chapter. I think that you are spot in how you protrayed Hermione's distancing relationship with her parents even though there's nothing in the cannon to directly support this. I think the description of Hermione's room was a great and very original way to convey her growing maturity and your interpretation of her character. I especially liked the part about her 'sophistication, intelligence, and a dash of the unexpected.' Your detail and attention to the Grangers makes me think that you are planning to incorporate them into the story at a later time. At least I hope so because I'm enjoying reading about the Muggle characters that we see very little of in the books and a more 'Muggle' side of our favorite trio + Ginny. It's very refreshing and a nice break from the angst and the formulaic Harry's Sixth Year at Hogwarts fics. BTW, nice addition with Ginny's discovery of Muggle concealment charms - clever. Looking forward to your next chapters.
Author's Response: Thanks... I just uploaded the next chapter. Enjoy!
Hermione and Ginny
Interesting story. I haven't see too many Harry-Dudley centric fics before. I think it's a dynamic that needs more attention! I liked how you protrayed Harry. Him giving Dud some lip back is very OoTP, Chpt. 1: Dudley Demented-esque (nice chapter titles too). You seem to be setting up a convincing tone between the two using dialogue. I could sense their mutual (barely supressed) animosity and your words made me imagine them warily circling one another - waiting to see what the other would do or say. I think you've really captured that well and I can't wait for more. You've also got me curious about what Dud and his friends are going to DO (nice hint with Tonks mentioning the vodka by the way). I just have one suggestion. If you combined chapters 1 and 2 it would give the reader more to grab onto and more of an incentive to continue to read. There are some nice details you mention in chpt 1 that would be less likely to be forgotten if you combined them (Vernon complaining about Harry thumping too loudly down the stairs). You spark the curiosity of the reader in chpt 2 much more than chpt 1 with Tonks, the mention of vodka, Dumbledore, and Dung, who seems to forget his responsibilty of protecting Harry at the most unfortunate times - foreshadowing? I think you'd have a stronger opening chapter if you gave us more 'meat' and left us with something to wonder about (like you do in chpt 2). Looking forward to reading chpt 3.
Author's Response: Thanks for the comment and suggestions. I doubt it's going to change again, however. I have already changed so much already from the original and it just doesn't seem worth going back and doing what you suggest, although I certainly see your point. It would make it much stronger, I'm sure. Technically, chapter one is more like a Prologue that sets up the story. It was meant to be short and just start the ball rolling with the exiting of Petunia and Vernon. I'll try to get chapter 3 up soon. Thanks for reading and taking the time to review!
Dudley in Charge