looked around the office in absoloute awe,
should be 'absolute awe'
“Good morning, all,” he said. His voice seemed to be laughing “It’s so nice to see you all.”dont repeat 'all its bad practise to repeat a word twice in the same sentence... try this -
“Good morning,” he said. His voice seemed to be laughing “It’s so nice to see you all.”
Severus recited half of the prophecy to Voldermort. (Voldemort)
The explanation that Dumbledore gives to Harry about Snape... expand that... explain in more detail just why Snape is so important... maybe try and show the arguments and just why Snape agreed... I think this part is so important.. it needs to be done better... also Harry accepts dumbledores explanation too easily.. show his feelings.. dumbledore just told him that he told snape to kill him to get information on voldemort.. what is harry's reaction to that? you should expand what you have written,... stretch it out. Does he possibly feel a greater sense of responsibility? I mean dumbledore died to keep getting the goods on dumbledore... wont the burden on Harry feel heavier? maybe this is a good place for him to recognize just how big a responsibility he has and what he might have to possibly sacrifice to get there in the end.
Too, Miss Granger and Mr. and Miss Weasley have to do much research regarding how to kill Voldemort.
shouldnt this be - 'You', Miss Granger and Mr. and Miss Weasley have to do much research regarding how to kill Voldemort.
I think you are improving chapter by chapter.. this was by far the best chapter yet.. i especially like the physical training part and the yoga bit.. very nicely done.
Well to be honest, I got the physical training was from TDH but the yoga part was totally my thing
Glad you liked the chapter
“How did you recognize me, Potter?” she exclaimed. Harry smiled and said, “ I have never seen a cat sit so still before.”
Harry has seen her transform into a cat in the very first transfiguration lesson in PS/SS... wouldnt he remember her because of that?
You know... i actually loved the part where Vernon and Petunia apologize.. to me it doesnt seem OOC.. i dunno why... but it just seems possible.
This chapter was far better than the previous one... if you continue like this it will sure to be a good read.
Actualy Ham Harry had seen the transformation in the movies. She gave her first demonstration during their third year, when she was explaining animagus transformations. That time no one noticed because Harry had the 'Grim'.
Thanks for reviewing :-)
It also showed Severus Snape making an unbreakable vow with Draco Malfoy’s mother, with Bellatrix as the soul binder. The vow was to kill Dumbledore, which Snape successfully did after Dumbledore and Harry returned from destroying a fake Horcrux. - If the fic is from Harry's POV... well then Harry shouldnt know this..
There is one problem i have with this first chapter... you give a lengthy flashback of all six books when it isnt necessary... it distracts the reader and gets him turned off at step one.. because he already knows all that you have recounted... I wanted to get to your story.. and i had to read 3-4 pages to get to it... maybe you can rethink this... the first 5 pages of any fic can make or break it.
I hope you haven’t changed your mind in counting us out of your You-Know-Who hunt.
shouldnt this be - i hope you havent changed your mind about counting us 'in' your You-Know-Who hunt? Its a bit confusing.. you might want to rephrase it.
The letter Minerva McGonagall writes to Harry... well it seems a tad OOC.... i doubt she would ever tell Harry anything about his personal life.. or if she would it would be in a much more different way... maybe you could look this over again...
I can see her subtly telling Harry is is doing something foolish and reminding him of what albus always preached... slyly or subtly.. but never so openly.
What was his world coming too?
It should be What was his world coming to?
Overall the chapter showed a lot of promise.. I loved Ginny's letter.. it seemed very in character..
I also loved the flow of the chapter and the scene between Vernon and Harry.
Thanks a ton Ham...well I have recieved a lot of criticism for this chapter and I admit that I got bored when I read it for the first time. I guess I was trying too hard to get a begining, which I think I did, but the ranting wasn't necessary.
Eventually, I got the hang of writing FF and hopefully you'll find the later chapers far more interesting.
Author's Response: Thanks Jess.... I'm glad you liked it.... come to the chat room once you get free :)
Great start to what looks to be a promising fic. I look forward to reading more of your chapters...but for tonight, it's time for bed.
I do like how Harry stood up to Vernon in defense of his family and friends. It's about time he did that, don't you think? Well, of course you do, since you wrote it.
I also like McGonagall trying to get him to come back to school.
Good work! Keep it up!
Thanks a ton Tricia. I'm glad you liked the way the story began... although a number of people were slightly put off with the whole recap of the first six books
The Dursley's will seem OOC to you but I have done that for a reason, which I hope will make sense as the story progresses.
Author's Response: LOL Surrey..... I never realised that... I'm getting the chapters redone again.. ladylarna is my beta and she'll rectify the mistakes :-) Thanks for reviewing
Author's Response: hehehe im glad u liked it Rach