Fantastic! A story from the POV of a dementor, and it was completely believable and very creepy. Great mood-setting, and fantastic showing of Umbridge's character. (That jerk.)
There were only a couple of things that caught me that I might add as contructive criticisms:
--The sun was beginning to go down--
That is slightly awkward to me. A little passive, not quite as vivid as it could be. Perhaps a description of what happened such as: "The sky blazed with rays of red and pink as the sun dipped towards the horizon." or something like that. Something more active.And the "he" at the beginning...has the reader wondering who they're reading about. (Though I get the feeling that was supposed to be that way!) Ack, they're dementors! LOL
---The fear was radiating from the creature’s prone form like the sun, which was by now completely below the horizon---
Good descriptions, but a little mixed. You go from the radiating fear, to the sun going down. It seemed a bit like a mixed simile to me. Maybe the fear radiated like the rays the setting sun had cast on the sky,m or something like that.
I hope you do not mind my suggestions, and hope that they might be of some help! I've added it to my favorites.
Author's Response: Not at all -- you've raised some valid issues. Thank you, and glad you enjoyed. Yes, the "he" was very deliberate, for I not only had in mind that it was a dementor, but who this dementor USED to be >:)
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